A somewhat gay review of Chase: Cold Case Investigations ~Distant Memories~ (3DS)

Game: Chase: Cold Case Investigations ~Distant Memories~

Genre: Visual novel

Developer: Arc System Works

Publisher: Aksys Games

System: 3DS

Release date: 2016

I had such high hopes for Chase: Cold Case Investigations. The main reason for that: some (but not all) of the folks who made Hotel Dusk--as well as Trace Memory and Little King's Story--also made this digital 3DS game.

Unfortunately, Chase: Cold Case Investigations--or at least the minuscule portion of it that's presented in "Distant Memories" (more on what that means in a few paragraphs)--is no Hotel Dusk.

Hotel Dusk, despite its flaws, was a fully realized and surprisingly engaging, not to mention cinematic, product that showed just how marvelously dynamic a "visual novel" could be.

Unlike most of visual novels I've played--including Hakuoki and Sweet Fuse for PSP--to date, Hotel Dusk was more than a simple "Choose Your Own Adventure" story accompanied by static (and admittedly pretty) illustrations and enjoyable, if not altogether memorable, soundtracks. That 2007 title one-upped its fairly staid genremates by allowing players to freely move around within and otherwise explore three-dimensional spaces. It also let them solve puzzles and take notes using the DS' touch screen--all while holding the system on its side, "book-style."

And then there were satisfyingly superficial flourishes like the rotoscoped character portraits and the superbly low-key (and jazzy) backing tunes.

Sadly, you won't experience any of the above while working your way through Chase: Cold Case Investigations. What will you experience instead? A depressingly small cast (of six, if memory serves). Art that isn't completely terrible but is a far cry from what's showcased in the developer's previous titles. Scenes that feature such little animation they may as well be motionless. No exploration whatsoever. Disappointingly straightforward interactions with the game's characters. Oh, and the writing has little of the verve that drips from Hotel Dusk's text.

To be blunt, Chase: Cold Case Investigations feels half-baked. Worse, it feels like the half-baked introduction to what should be a much larger and longer game.

In its defense, it seems pretty obvious "Distant Memories" is just one part of what will wind up as a multi-part release. Still, this opening salvo is so underwhelming--and so relatively expensive, at $6 for less then two hours of content--that it's currently hard for me to imagine picking up any future installments unless it's clear from the word go they offer a lot more than this initial entry.

See also: previous 'somewhat gay' and 'Great Gaymathon' reviews

A somewhat gay review of Witch & Hero II (3DS)

Game: Witch & Hero II

Genre: Tower defense

Developer: Flyhigh Works

Publisher: Circle Entertainment

System: 3DS

Release date: 2016

Witch & Hero II doesn't offer up the most positive of first impressions.

Early on, it’s nearly indistinguishable from its predecessor in the looks department. It sounds a lot like that lovely eShop title from 2013 (read my review of it here), too.

In fact, the only aspect of Witch & Hero II that alerts you to the fact you’ve booted up the sequel instead of the FK Digital-made original is its main gameplay hook, which lets players control both of the titular characters rather than just one of them.

Unfortunately, that change isn’t as thrilling as it may seem--at least initially. At first, it’s actually kind of annoying, as keeping track of the hero and the witch (one is moved using the 3DS’ circle pad, while the other is moved using the system’s A, B, X and Y buttons) is quite a hassle, especially when the screen is swarming with enemies.

(If you’re still a Witch & Hero virgin, both games are twitchy takes on the tower-defense genre and task players--after plopping them into the shoes of an adorably Dragon Quest-esque knight--with protecting a magic-wielding witch from hordes of similarly retro-inspired baddies. Oh, and you off those pixelated foes by bumping into them, preferably from the rear, à la classic Ys.)

Thankfully, controlling two characters at the same time quickly shifts from being a nuisance to being a blast. It changes up the formula just enough to make Witch & Hero II's multi-screen trek a lot more interesting and thrilling than it would have been if developer Flyhigh Works had whipped out a sequel that simply tossed a few new enemies and music tracks on top of the first title's gameplay and called it a day.

As for aspects that could be considered less positive than the one discussed above, an obvious candidate is the massive slowdown that pops up in its latter stages. 

Another is that the game can become a cakewalk around the halfway point if you aren't careful about doling out armor, weapon and magic upgrades. This is easier said than done, unfortunately, as Witch & Hero II's early levels mean business, and your immediate reaction to them is likely to be to buff up your pint-sized adventurers as quickly as possible to ensure their survival. 

My advice: only increase the speed, strength and defense of the witch and hero enough so they won't be slaughtered. Do that, and you won't waltz through this game's second half as I did.

One last comment before I stick a fork in this review: if you haven't played the first Witch & Hero already, I'd highly recommend doing that before jumping into the follow-up. It serves as a great introduction to the second title's gameplay, plus it helps you fully appreciate the "throwing off the shackles" sense of freedom that's at the heart of the sequel.  

See also: previous 'Great Gaymathon' and 'somewhat gay' reviews

Pardon the re-introduction

Don't worry, I know the phrase is "pardon the interruption," but I decided to turn it on its head for this post because, well, in this post I'm going to be turning a few other things on their heads, too.

Specifically, I'm using this post to let folks know I'm renaming a few of the "columns" that are semi-regularly published here.

The column names in question--"Five Favorites," "Let's Play: Which Box Art is Better?" and "Shall We Do It?"--have been bugging me for a while now, so I decided a couple of weeks ago to try to come up with new ones.

Here are the possibilities I'm toying with at the moment:

The rather boringly titled "Five Favorites" will be dropped in favor of "The Fab Five." Or "Five Fabulous Favorites." Or maybe even "Five Fab Faves." I don't know.

On the other hand, "Let's Play: Which Box Art is Better?" will, without question, be replaced by the far more colorful (and silly) "Nice Package!"--with related headlines that will look something like this: "Nice Package! (Tomodachi Life, 3DS)."

Finally, "Shall We Do It?" is going to become "Let's Do It"--as in, "Let's Do It: Etrian Odyssey IV and Rusty's Real Deal Baseball (3DS)." I think.

By the way, I actually quite like "Shall We Do It?" as a column name. That question mark really messes things up, though, which is why I want to change it. That said, maybe there's a way I can tweak it to make it work--like, "Shall We Do It? (THE "DENPA" MEN 3 and Theatrhythm Final Fantasy: Curtain Call)."

As I'm sure you can tell, I'm not completely sure about any of the above--except, I mean, for "Nice Package!" That one's being used for sure.

What do you think? If you have any thoughts--especially about "The Fab Five" et al--please share them in the comments section below.

Oh, and as for the other columns I tend to publish here--the "Great Gaymathon" reviews, my "Somewhat Gay" reviews and "Manual Stimulation"--their names are staying put.

Suggestions?

Now that a new year is upon us, I thought this would be the perfect time to ask all of you if you have any suggestions as to how I may be able to improve this here blog in the next 12 or so months.

For instance, I cut back on "Great Gaymathon" and "Somewhat Gay" reviews in 2013--in part because they've never been my favorite thing to write and in part because they've never seemed very popular with readers. Would any of you like to see more of them in 2014, or are you OK with me publishing them only occasionally?

I also haven't published many "Manual Stimulation" posts in the last few months--would any of you like to see them show up with a bit more regularity this year?

Or maybe you'd like me to start an entirely new "column" or two (similar to the ones above) in 2014? I have no idea what said column(s) would focus on, but I'm sure you folks can come up with a few suggestions if you put your minds to it. Regardless, feel free to share any thoughts you may have in the comments section below.

A somewhat gay review of Witch and Hero (3DS)

Game: Witch and Hero

Genre: Tower Defense

Developer: Flyhigh Works and FK Digital

Publisher: Circle Entertainment

System: 3DS (eShop)

Release date: 2013

Witch and Hero is one hell of a fun game.

True, it sports some charmingly rendered graphics that call to mind those of its counterparts from the 1980s, and its blippy soundtrack compares favorably to the ones featured in RPGs from the same era, but neither of those things will prompt you to return to the game over and over and over again as I have since I was given a complimentary copy a few months ago.

No, what will keep you coming back for more (and more and more, if you're anything like me) as far as Witch and Hero is concerned is that it's a total blast to play.

What's so fun about it? For me, it all stems from the title's main gameplay hook, which throws gamers into the shoes of an adorably pixelated knight (the titular hero) and then tasks them with protecting his similarly two-dimensional witch pal from swarm after swarm of oncoming baddies.

You see, each of this digital title's 20 stages begins with the hero's quite literally petrified friend standing at its center. As enemies approach her from the edges of the screen, the player (piloting the aforementioned adorable knight) races about using the 3DS' circle pad and bumps into them, a la Falcom's vaunted Ys series, until they've expired.

Don't worry, it's more strategic than it probably sounds. For instance, if you ram into a baddie from behind you'll cause the most damage while experiencing the least amount of pain yourself.

That's all you have to worry about for the first few levels: killing as many enemies as possible while protecting the witch from harm (since she can take damage, too--and if she dies, it's game over).

Thankfully, Witch and Hero adds an extra layer or two of gameplay to the proceedings just before things begin to feel stale by revealing that it's possible to resurrect your pointy hatted pal for a few, precious seconds----during which she blasts oncoming foes either with a fire or tornado attack--by gathering the drops of blood that are left behind by extinguished enemies and tossing them at her feet.

As much as that helps liven up the experience, things are made even more enjoyable after the last of Witch and Hero's surprises is exposed--with the surprise in question being the introduction of yet another ATB-esque bar that fills each time the knight engages an enemy. Max it out and hit a button and ol' helmet head becomes invincible for a hot second while his better half (OK, so I have no idea whether the witch and hero are married or not) pushes out some spells that are even more wicked and spectacular than the ones she unleashed earlier.

Once both of those "features" are made available to players, Witch and Hero fully blossoms as a portable pick-up-and-play game that's worth every penny (399, to be exact) you spend on it.

That's not to say it's a perfect portable pick-up-and-play game. For instance, there's the fact that it takes a while to show its true colors--and, as such, it's sure to lose a handful of gamers in the interim. Also, the final boss is a real pain in the ass.

Neither of those issues is enough to keep me from recommending Witch and Hero, though, so I'd say that if what I wrote above sounds at all appealing, and if you have $3.99 to spare, you should give it a try at your earliest convenience.

See also: previous 'somewhat gay' reviews

A somewhat gay review of HarmoKnight (3DS)

Game: HarmoKnight 

Genre: Platformer 

Developer: Game Freak 

Publisher: Nintendo 

System: 3DS (eShop)

Release date: 2013

It has to be said, right from the start, that I've been chomping at the bit to play this Game Freak-developed digital title since it was unveiled during a Japanese Nintendo Direct broadcast back in August of last year.

I liked pretty much everything about the chunks of HarmoKnight that were highlighted during its first trailer--its art style, its music and its rhythm-based gameplay, especially. Each of those aspects continued to enthrall me after I played the title's demo for the first time about a month ago, which prompted me to assume this would be the next 3DS release--after THE DENPA MEN and Theatrhythm Final Fantasy, among others--to consume my so-called free time.

How wrong I was. Although HarmoKnight's art style is unquestionably appealing, and while its soundtrack and overall gameplay--which generally consist of "endless running" platformer stages that task players with jumping or hitting enemies and obstacles in time with a backing track's beat, although boss encounters switch things up by going with a more "Simon Says" approach--are (for the most part) stellar, those pieces never come together to produce the thoroughly enjoyable, must-play experience I expected after loving the demo.

In a way, this creation is much like Sega's Rhythm Thief & The Emperor's Treasure, which similarly intrigued me in the lead up to its release, only to disappoint and even enrage me (on occasion) afterward.

As for which elements were most responsible for letting me down: the most notable revolves around too many of the game's stages--I'm looking at you, Baroque, Jazz and Rock worlds--feeling cheap from a difficulty standpoint. Sometimes that's due to the background music being too subtle (making it hard to discern an actual beat), while at other times it's due to enemies or obstacles literally coming out of nowhere. (Both of these issues are present in every one of HarmoKnight's maddening mine-cart stages, by the way.)

Three other components that contributed to my more-negative-than-I'd-originally-hoped assessment of HarmoKnight: its lack of checkpoints (although this only becomes a real problem during this eShop title's later levels), its love of narrative text (especially annoying when you consider its story basically boils down to "save the princess from the bad guy") and the fact that it's a fairly short-lived experience (I beat the final boss and encountered the game's end credits after just three hours of play).

Do all of the above-mentioned cons outweigh HarmoKnight's pros--which include not only its art style and soundtrack, but also its Space Channel 5-esque boss and mini-boss battles and Pokémon-themed bonus stages? Sadly, I think they do.

I have to say, though, that I'd probably respond to that question in a more positive manner if the game cost $5 or even $10. At $15, though, it's far too flawed to recommend to anyone other than huge fans of rhythm-based platformers--and even those folks are likely to wish they'd refrained from hitting the "buy" button at one point or another.

See also: previous 'somewhat gay' reviews

A somewhat gay review of Patchwork Heroes

Game: Patchwork Heroes

Genre: Action puzzler

Developer: Acquire

Publisher: SCEA

System: PSP

Release date: 2010

True story: This digital-only game, which is called Hyakumanton no Bara Bara in Japan and earned a full-on retail release in that country, is one of a small handful of titles that prompted me to pick up a PSP nearly three years ago.

Do I regret that decision now that I've finally (and fully) played through this portable puzzler? Not at all. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that it's one of my favorite PSP-exclusive games (of the ones I've experienced, of course).

Heavily responsible for that, I have to sheepishly admit, are the superficial aspects of Patchwork Heroes--i.e., how the game looks and sounds. The former especially rocks my world--thanks to the colorful, textured and textile-filled art style used by Acquire's designers--although the latter's Middle Eastern-influenced soundtrack is nothing to sneeze at.

That's not to suggest Patchwork Heroes is a completely superficial experience. On the contrary, its gameplay and even story--something that isn't always a priority when it comes to puzzlers--more than hold their own against its music and graphics.

How so? Well, players are shoved into the shoes of a blue-hatted lad named Titori and then tasked with protecting his hometown from a never-ending stream of colossal, bomb-wielding warships, for starters. As for how they're supposed to accomplish all of that: Titori is flown up to said ships, latches onto them and then brings them down by cutting them into pieces. (You do this by pressing your PSP's O button and then moving its analog nub in the direction you'd like to slice.)

Frankly, it feels a lot like Taito's classic coin-op title, Qix, turned on its head, which is a treat for folks like me who grew up on such games. (Don't worry, it's sure to be a treat for those who've never experienced it, too.)

All of the above is sure to make Patchwork Heroes sound easier than it is, so let's get one thing straight: This game is not a push-over, nor is it simple. While you're cutting apart the giant ships that are threatening the protagonist's idyllic hamlet, for instance, you've also got to save a number of your fellow citizens who have, for some reason or other, become imprisoned within the advancing contraptions. Also, each ship is equipped with various forms of defense, all of which do their best to keep you from attaining your goal--and often succeed, if you're anything like me. 

Thankfully, a variety of power-ups pop up on occasion to aid you in your quest, although to assume that they'll help in any significant fashion would be the definition of foolish. Still, any form of assistance is welcome while working through Patchwork Heroes' story and challenge modes.

None of them assist this title's other possible shortcoming, unfortunately--with that shortcoming being the utensils that are used to control it (i.e., your PSP's analog nub and directional pad). Neither option makes Patchwork Heroes anywhere near unplayable, but both do their best to get in the way of things on a regular basis.

If you can get past that and the stiff challenge, though, you're sure to find this digital release to be more than worth its $9.99 price tag and a welcome addition to your PSP game collection.

See also: Previous 'somewhat gay' reviews

A somewhat gay review of Magical Whip: Wizards of the Phantasmal Forest (DSiWare)

Game: Magical Whip: Wizards of the Phantasmal Forest

Genre: Single-Screen Platformer

Developer: Agetec

Publisher: Agetec

System: DSi/3DS

Release date: 2011

It isn't often that fans of single-screen platformers are presented with a current-gen game that can be considered an honest-to-goodness "Bubble Bobble clone"--especially one that costs just $1.99. As such, one of the first things I purchased from Nintendo's eShop after I obtained a 3DS was Agetec's Magical Whip: Wizards of the Phantasmal Forest (which, it should be noted, is a DSiWare, rather than a 3DSWare, title).

So, does this, er, dual-screened platformer (the action takes place over both of the DSi's and/or 3DS' screens, after all) bring anything new to the genre made famous by Taito's classic quarter-muncher, or does it basically just trade on nostalgia? I'd say the answer's a little of both, if that makes sense.

What I mean is that, yes, Magical Whip is, initially at least, aimed at those of us who have enjoyed games like Bubble Bobble, Don Doko Don, Rod Land and Snow Bros. It quickly becomes apparent, though, that the team that made this digital title wanted to do more than just copy those aforementioned trailblazers.

That's especially obvious after you first discover Magical Whip's combo system, which pushes players to master the game's juggling mechanic--use your character's wand/whip to grab an enemy and toss it at another, which will then launch into the air so it can be captured and then launched at another enemy--and then rewards them by boosting the power of their attacks. (According to the folks at Agetec, if you string together enough attacks you can wipe out one of the game's bosses with a single strike--although I've yet to do this myself.)

Magical Whip's juggling mechanic and combo system aren't the only thing that help separate it from the pack. Also noteworthy: The fact that the action takes place over both of the DSi's and 3DS' screens. Admittedly, it doesn't significantly change the gameplay, but it alters it just enough to make things interesting.

As for this title's negative aspects (you just knew they were coming, right?), the main one, in my mind, is the repetitive backdrops. I know the game's subtitle is "Wizards of the Phantasmal Forest" and, as such, most if not all of its levels should take place in wooded areas, but couldn't the designers have changed the look of the trees every five or 10 stages?

Also rather disappointing is the game's limited number of enemy designs. If Magical Whip were a retail release, I'd complain that it includes 50 measly levels, but since it's a two-dollar digital one I'll forgive that particular transgression.

The "two dollar" part of that last sentence is perhaps the most telling part of this review, by the way. Basically, if you consider yourself a fan of Bubble Bobble and its ilk, there's really no reason to pass up Magical Whip if you own a DSi or 3DS given its minuscule price tag, as its few miscues are easily overlooked when you consider just how few pennies you have to hand over to buy it.

See also: Previous 'somewhat gay' reviews

A somewhat gay review of THE 'DENPA' MEN: They Came By Wave (3DS)

Game: THE '"DENPA" MEN: They Came By Wave

Genre: RPG/Dungeon-Crawler

Developer: Genius Sonority

Publisher: Genius Sonority

System: 3DS

Release date: 2012

THE "DENPA" MEN is often described as being "a lot like Dragon Quest." Although the comparison is apt, it's also a bit simplistic.

After all, although the two games sport similar battle engines, senses of humor and straightforward (some might say non-existant) stories, they're otherwise pretty unique.

THE "DENPA" MEN, for instance, lacks the kind of sprawling overworld often included in Dragon Quest games. Although I initially considered that to be a negative, over time I came to the realization that it sped things up considerably--which is a positive in this case because it allows you to zoom from the hub island to your next destination (always a dungeon)  and back again with a blink of an eye.

Also, although both THE "DENPA" MEN and Dragon Quest feature lightning-fast battle scenes, I've found those of the former to be a lot more fun than the latter thus far. (And this is coming from someone  who loves Dragon Quest's battle sequences.) In part, that's due to THE "DENPA" MEN's wacky character designs, I'm sure, but it's also due to what those wacky characters do during said scenes. Case in point: When a player prompts his "Denpa" men to "Fight" rather than use magic, said party members race toward selected baddies and attempt to headbutt them into oblivion--an action that's even more entertaining than it sounds.

Speaking of THE "DENPA" MEN's battles: Something that sets them apart from those found in many other RPGs (both old and new) is how malleable they are. For instance, you can hit your 3DS' X or Y buttons and let the game's AI choose your options for you (X orders the AI to not use any "skills" (magic, basically), while Y gives it the freedom to do as it wishes), you can assign specific tasks to each individual "Denpa" man or you can mix and match your commands.

Last, but surely not least, THE "DENPA" MEN differentiates itself from its dragon-centric counterpart by having players scan their real-life environment (using the 3DS' AR capabilities) to catch their multi-colored party members. It sounds kind of lame in theory, but in practice it's surprisingly enjoyable (and addictive). Not only that, but it basically gives you access to an unlimited array of playable characters, which isn't something that can be said of many RPGs.

One thing THE "DENPA" MEN doesn't offer that the Dragon Quest games do is a top-shelf soundtrack. That's not to suggest that the music in this Genius Sonority-made eShop title is terrible; rather, it's to suggest that, for the most part, it merely gets the job done. (It must be said, though, that the main battle theme is pretty darn good.)

With all of this chatter about how this 10-dollar digital release does and doesn't compare to one of the best RPGs ever made out of the way, you're probably wondering if I think it's worth picking up or not. The short answer to that question is: Yes. A slightly longer response, though, is: Yes, if you tend to enjoy the genre and if you don't mind a (sometimes rather stiff) challenge.

See also: Previous posts about THE 'DENPA' MEN and 'somewhat gay' reviews

A somewhat gay review of Hakuoki: Demon of the Fleeting Blossom (PSP)

Game: Hakuoki: Demon of the Fleeting Blossom

Genre: Otome/Visual Novel

Developer: Idea Factory

Publisher: Aksys Games

System: PSP

Release date: 2012

Please forgive me for being a bit crass, but I consider Aksys' Hakuoki: Demon of the Fleeting Blossom to be the gaming equivalent of "a grower, not a shower." What I mean is that, for me at least, it wasn't all that appealing at first. I think that's because I expected ... well, something other than what greeted me during the first hour or two of my playthrough of this PSP title.

You see, rather than being the kind of action-packed game most of us in the western world are used to playing, Hakuoki is a visual novel. As such, you can expect to spend a lot of time reading text and hitting your PSP's "X" button over and over again in order to advance the game's story--which follows a young woman, Chizuru Yukimura, as she and the Shinsengumi, a group of samurai who protect the citizens of Kyoto, search for Chizuru's missing father during Japan's Bakumatsu period (1853-1867).

Although you spend a lot of time reading while playing Hakuoki, that's not all you do. Sometimes, for instance, you're able to influence the story's direction a la the Choose Your Own Adventure books that many Americans devoured as kids. At the same time, you're able to influence Chizuru's future, as each decision brings her another step closer to (or takes her a step further away from) one of the game's eligible bachelors, romantically speaking.

Sadly, these moments of interactivity are all too rare. Not only that, but they're more than a bit confusing--especially if you're like me and you've never before played a visual novel or otome game--since it's often difficult to decipher how a particular decision is going to alter Chizuru's path. That said, the interactivity, even if it's a bit ham-fisted, is more than welcome amid Hakuoki's endlessly streaming lines of text.

The good news here is that those endlessly streaming lines of text are both well-written and, for the most part, quite engaging and compelling. Similarly compelling are the game's characters, each of whom are imbued with personality, and its graphics, despite the fact that they're static and more than a little repetitive. Although the word repetitive also could be used to describe Hakuoki's soundtrack, it never really becomes grating thanks to its relaxed nature.

Given all of the above, would I recommend Hakuoki to your average PSP owner? Yes, although with a few reservations. In my opinion, this title is most likely to appeal to those who are OK with playing as a girl, who don't mind games that include a dating component, who enjoy a good page-turner and who have at least a smidge of patience.

See also: Previous 'somewhat gay' reviews

A somewhat gay review of Wizorb (PC and XBLIG)

Game: Wizorb

Genre: Brick-breaker

Developer: Tribute Games

Publisher: Tribute Games

System(s): PC, Xbox 360

Release date: 2011

In pretty much every post I've published about Wizorb thus far, I've described it as "Breakout with a smidge of an RPG." After spending some quality time with this downloadable title over the last week or so, though, I've come to the conclusion that I should have been calling it a Legend of Zelda-inspired brick-breaker instead.

Why? Because while the bulk of Wizorb's gameplay brings to mind titles like the aforementioned Atari release, its graphics, setting--named, ahem, "Kingdom of Gorudo"--and soundtrack bring to mind the game that's known in Japan as The Hyrule Fantasy: Zeruda no Densetsu. Wizorb's main town/hub area, the decimated Tarot Village--which the player can help rebuild by donating gathered gold--also recalls that Nintendo classic. (Said village is the only location players are able to explore freely, by the way. The game's five other locations, each of which houses 13 block-busting stages, are accessed via a board-game-esque world map.)

At the end of the day, though, this basically is a gussied-up Arkanoid clone, so how does its bat-and-ball action stand up to its predecessors-cum-competitors in that particular genre? Pretty darn well. Although Wizorb features a par-for-the-course paddle--although here it's supposed to be a wizard's magic wand--and ball, players can do more with the former than they can in most such games. For example: clicking the left mouse button (while enjoying the PC version, obviously) launches a fireball into the play area, while clicking the right one produces a gust of wind that blows the ball in the direction of the wand. Also, though most destroyed blocks drop coins, gems and potions that refill your magic gauge, some drop curses that shrink your wand or slow it to a crawl.

Another of Wizorb's inventive additions to the brick-breaker oeuvre: many of its stages include bonus rooms and shops that more often than not prove to be life-savers. All in all, Tribute Games' maiden release is refreshing, remarkably polished and well worth the price of admission (a measly $3) whether or not you're bonkers for Breakout and its ilk.

See also: Previous 'somewhat gay' reviews and previous Wizorb posts

A somewhat gay review of Sugar Shooter (PC)

This downloadable (for Windows-enabled PCs) title, developed by the folks at Dudedle Studio, is/was my first run-in with a bullet-hell shoot 'em up, and you know what? I enjoyed it so much that I'm eagerly awaiting my second such experience. Granted, Sugar Shooter isn't a run-of-the-mill bullet-hell shoot 'em up (or shmup, as they're often called)--rather, it's a boss-rush, bullet-hell shmup that's squarely aimed at the bara-loving set.

To those of you scratching your heads at any or all of the aforementioned "b" words (bara, boss-rush and bullet-hell), hopefully the following infor- mation will straighten things out: Sugar Shooter stars a beefy, gay prince named Satan (hmmm), who is tasked with protecting his precious Sugar Kingdom from a quartet of similarly studly baddies. (They're where the bara, or "Men's Love," aspect of the game comes into play, by the way.)



One by one, these baddies--backed by a bombastic, guitar-laden soundtrack and led by a bloke named Lord Sugarless--assault Satan with wave after wave of beautiful bullets. (Hence the genre's name: bullet-hell.) Satan isn't powerless against said bullets thanks to his "Dessert Ring" (hmmm again), which transforms oncoming projectiles into candy and increases the prince's "Sugar Level." Increasing the prince's Sugar Level accomplishes two things: 1) It enhances his base attack and 2) It allows him to perform a "Sugar Burst," which not only destroys everything within a certain distance of the prince but destroys his opponent's armor, too. That's important because you have to destroy an opponent's armor before defeat- ing them in order to see the best (i.e., most X-rated) ending scenes.

All of this is controlled with the left button on your mouse, by the way. Click it once to unleash Satan's auto-firing "Chocolate Gun" (hmmm for a third time) and click it again to stop attacking and start using his "Dessert Ring." You also click, hold and then release your mouse's left button to enter "Sugar Rush" mode, and then click it one last time to use Satan's "Sugar Burst." It feels a little odd at first if you're used to playing shoot 'em ups with a directional pad and buttons, but it quickly becomes second nature.



Don't worry if all of the above sounds annoyingly confusing or convoluted; in action, it's surprisingly simple to understand. It's not so simple to master, though--as evidenced by the fact that it took me a good 20 tries to topple the fourth and final boss (Lord Sugarless) on the game's easiest setting.

I don't share that fairly embarrassing tidbit to scare folks away from giving Sugar Shooter a try. On the contrary, I think gaymers who enjoy shoot 'em ups--bullet-hell or otherwise--and have $14.99 to blow will get a kick out of this Dudedle Studio-developed title.

See also: Other 'somewhat gay' reviews

A somewhat gay review of Platformance: Castle Pain (Xbox Live Indie Games)

I've got to give it to the crew at Magiko Gaming: They came up with the perfect title for their maiden Xbox Live Indie Games release. After all, not only is Platformance: Castle Pain a platformer, but it's also set in and around a castle and is a complete pain in the ass to play.

Granted, the game is supposed to be a pain in the ass to play. You see, it's one of those  "extreme platformers"--like another XBLIG release, Aban Hawkins & the 1000 SPIKES, or like the infamous Sunsoft side-scroller, Atlantis no Nazo.

This is the main view you'll have while playing Platformance: Castle Pain. 

For those of you who have never played, let alone heard of, those games, both of them present players with so many obstacles and traps that it's nearly impossible to complete them without dying numerous times. Platformance: Castle Pain follows in their harrowing footsteps, with countless fireballs, spikes and other such terrors placed between the start and finish of the single-screened title. 

Thankfully, Platformance: Castle Pain eschews "lives" completely. Yes, that means you're free to die as often as you'd like. Even then, though, it's is far from a pixelated walk in the park--due, mainly, to the presence of an ambling ghost that follows the player's path and acts as a timer of sorts. (Basically, the game ends if the ghost catches up to and touches you.)

Hit the 'x' button on your Xbox 360 pad and you'll zoom out a bit.

Mr. Ghost isn't much of a problem as long as you play Platformance: Castle Pain on easy. Play the game on medium or hard, though, and he becomes an ever-present reminder that if you don't keep moving you'll soon find yourself staring at a "game over" screen.

Although that imbues the game's easiest mode with a good amount of tension, it could be argued that it adds a bit too much tension to its more difficult modes--especially when combined with the title's overabundance of obstacles and slightly slippery controls.

Hit 'x' button again and you'll see the entire stage. 

That's about the only complaint I can lodge against this uniquely constructed platformer--which, suitably enough, takes place within the confines of a picture frame. I say suitably because Platformance: Castle Pain, with its 8-bit-esque graphics, is a sight to behold. 

Just as beautiful is the game's soundtrack, which begins rather generically (not to mention regally) before transforming into something that could easily be mistaken for the best game tune you've never heard. Translation: It rocks--just like (most of) the rest of this 80 MSP ($1) game.

See also: 'A somewhat gay review of Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars'

A somewhat gay review of Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars

My first thought upon playing auntie pixelante's latest creation--a twitchy, throwback of a game called Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars--was that it could confidently and comfortably sit alongside such classic quartermunchers as Robotron and Sinistar.

Of course, pixelante was inspired by Midway's Wizard of Wor while creating Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars--she even goes so far as to call the latter a "reinvention" of the former in a recent blog post--so it's likely she expected or at least hoped for such a reaction.

Regardless, her creation is a more-than-reasonable reproduction of those stress-filled games so many of us relished as kids. Calling Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars a simple facsimile of its predecessors, though, does both it and pixelante a disservice.

Sure, Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars looks and sounds a lot like the aforementioned games that inspired it--what with its sparse backdrops and pixelated baddies (who the titular protagonist taunts with appropriately lo-fi barbs like "I'm not finished yet!" and "Kneel before your queen!")--but it blazes a few trails, too.

Case in point: Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars, like many of today's Flash-based games, is a one-handed affair. The titular Spider-Queen's "bondage ray" is always on, so all gamers have to do is aim said ray at one of her highness' escaped slaves in order to wrap them up and rope them in.

If you think that might sap the game of the tension that's typical of the genre, think again. Even without a shoot button there's plenty to stress out about while playing Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars--especially when the attackable-only-from-certain-angles Armors, fiery Alchemists and slippery Assassins (all of whom are topless, by the way) start to fill the screen.

Thankfully, the tension never ratchets up so high that the game becomes unenjoyable or unplayable. Oh, you'll die--a lot, especially on the later boards--but if you're anything like me you'll have a blast right up until your last breath.  

Play: Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars